My Not So Traditional Online Dating Profile
I moved from New York to Georgia last year and decided to explore the world of Online Dating so I could possibly make some new friends and maybe meet a potential mate. I decided to take a not so traditional approach to my online dating profile & inject some of my sense of humor as well. It has gotten a slew of responses from all kinds of guys. The majority of them found/find it down right hilarious. Given all the feedback, I thought I would publish it. I would love to know what other people think and what some of your online dating experiences have been like.
P.S. I hope my profile doesn't offend anyone. It's all in good fun!! Have a laugh!! Please let me know what you think!!
About Me
We All Want Love [in my Rihanna voice].
I'm a kind and genuine woman with a huge heart and a lot of love to give. I also keep it very real and have a very low tolerance for foolishness and bullshit.
I want to believe there is someone out there for me, not just anyone, but The One.
Goodness knows I'm far from perfect. Is there even such a thing as perfect? I think a lot of factors like "Reality TV" and "Celebrity Culture" have totally changed today's definition of beauty. Seriously guys, most women's tits and ass do not look like the Über pumped up, about to explode joints Kim Kardashian and Nicki Minaj be rockin'. Sheeeeeeeeeeeet! Kim's face done changed so got damn much in the last few years, I don't think even she remembers what she used to look like.
I'm not a fan of fakeness. Errrythang on me is real. I figure if a woman is gonna wear false hair, false lashes, false eye color, false nails and a ton of makeup, what is she gonna look like when she takes all of those things off? I don't really rock weaves. I tried it twice but it itches way too much for me. That Beyoncé song about 'Pat your Weave' is so true! The Itch Struggle Is Soooo Real!!!!!!
Thank You for the Compliments on My Smile! I Truly Appreciate the Kind Words. I Guess I Should Thank My Parents, Orthodontist, Braces & Retainer! Yes! I'm a Tin Grin Girl!
If you're into skinny chicks or über slim chicks & like hugging a Stop sign at night, Hey! More power to ya! If that's the case, I may not be the one for you. I'm most definitely not rockin' a 'We Are the World, We Are the Children', Victoria's Secret Model Body. Feed them ladies a few heroes and cheeseburgers and fries and milkshakes too. I have boobs, a booty and thick thighs and I LOVE the skin I'm in.
Let's Keep it Really Really Real.
I Do Not Like Surprises. Especially Unpleasant Ones. If You are excessively hairy, Please get that in check pronto. A Hairy Back will never ever EVER Be considered Sexy or Appealing. It's actually pretty damn repulsive. If You Have A Hairy Back or Chest, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Get that Ish Waxed ASAP SAP! How would you feel if a woman surprised you with some Rapunzel type ish on her lady parts? You would most likely not be very thrilled. You get the idea. PLEASE HANDLE THAT! Come On! You know I ain't lyin! It's all fun & games till you got a pubic hair in yo' mouth!
Profile names like KingBigBalls, HungHorse, ThickDickForU and JimWood are Gross, Perverted and Disgusting and only turn a woman OFF! I'm NOT Making This Stuff Up! Guys with those PoF handles have actually written to me. O_O. God Gimme Strength! One guy actually put that he "loves eating puzzy" as an interest on his profile. Seriously dude?! SMFH!
If your profile pics look hella Mug Shotty, like I've seen you on an episode of First 48 before, chances are, I won't respond to you.
If I bounce back from the computer saying "Goddddd Dammmnnnn Son!" when I see your photos,' chances are I won't respond to you.
I am not a fan of dudes with a million tattoos that look like I did them with my eyes closed with crayons.
I'm not a fan of dudes that wear more earrings than me.
Not a fan of dudes with long pinky nails. The cocaine finger nail gotts to go!
Also not a fan of dudes with hair longer than mine, unless they're Troy Polamalu, Domata Peko, Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley, 2 Chainz or Clay Matthews.
If those names don't ring any bells, then Lawd Have Mercy! We Can't Hang Out on Sundays or Mondays from September to February. LOL!
Since we're on the topic of hair, why is it that some guys' beards & edges be lookin' dyed & doctored like their barber drew that sh*t in with a black marker?! Come On Man!! Even Stevie Wonder can see that ish!
"Let's Call A Thing A Thing People!" (In my Iyanla Vanzant voice), not every dude will have a big, bushy beard & full edges. PLEASE Do NOT let your barber fool you with that Coloring by 1-2-3 Bullshit!! That nukka ain't yo fren!!
That's just like a chick rocking a cheap, synthetic hair weave, those deadly weapon long fake claws they call nails and those unrealistic, crazy tarantula fake lashes!
Don't be like THAT Chick guys!!!!
We know that sh*t is fake! SO STOP IT!!
If you can't spell or write to save your life, chances are, I won't respond to you. Books Don't Bite!
If you have a million Just Ask Me or Tell You Laters on your profile or letters that don't actually spell words b/c maybe your cat walked on your keyboard, chances are, I won't respond to you. We're adults yes? Everyone should be able to write a few words to talk about their interests, likes, dislikes and hobbies etc.
I've noticed there is a verrrrrry wide, broad and loose definition of "Athletic" Body Type on here. I see y'all with dem mandatory pics in LA Fitness holding dem dumbbells (Slow Clap...) Whatever floats your boat guys! It's your world, I'm just living in it.
What's up with all these photos of dudes sticking up their middle fingers? What are we? Twelve? STOP IT!!
What's up with dudes wearing slippers and socks? Is that a Southern thing? I'm here to tell you that Ish is Country as Fawk. STOP IT!!
What's up with dem long ass, knee length jackets? Come On Guys! Let It Go! Not even Steve Harvey rock dem joints no more.
Another thing I hate is sagging pants. I don't wanna see your brief. I don't wanna see your boxers. For the Love of God, Please Please Please Pull Your Pants Up!
Looking for a Booty Call? Wanna Tap Dat Ass? If so, Please Do Me A Favor & Keep It Moving!
Shirtless in the Bed Pics Trying to Look Super Sexy? STOP IT!! Biting Your Lip Pics Trying to Look Like Mr. Best Lover Ever? STOP IT!! Barber Chair Pics to Show Off Your Fake Waves & Sharp Edges? STOP IT!! That ish is Dumb Corny. STOP IT!! Yawn.
I Do Not Like Gold Teeth. I Never Have & I Never Will.
I'm Caribbean Born & Bred and like most Caribbean folks, I am warm and pleasant.
I'm not perfect. No one is, but it would sure be nice to find a man who makes me feel pretty darn close to perfect every single day.
I'm a great conversationalist and love a new adventure (as long as it DOES NOT involve snakes!). Hiking? Paintball? Rock Climbing? You name it, I just might try it. I love to do all kinds of stuff. As long as its fun and won't get me a suite in the Shiny Iron Bars Hotel.
I'm a kind and genuine woman with a huge heart and a lot of love to give. I also keep it very real and have a very low tolerance for foolishness and bullshit.
I want to believe there is someone out there for me, not just anyone, but The One.
Goodness knows I'm far from perfect. Is there even such a thing as perfect? I think a lot of factors like "Reality TV" and "Celebrity Culture" have totally changed today's definition of beauty. Seriously guys, most women's tits and ass do not look like the Über pumped up, about to explode joints Kim Kardashian and Nicki Minaj be rockin'. Sheeeeeeeeeeeet! Kim's face done changed so got damn much in the last few years, I don't think even she remembers what she used to look like.
I'm not a fan of fakeness. Errrythang on me is real. I figure if a woman is gonna wear false hair, false lashes, false eye color, false nails and a ton of makeup, what is she gonna look like when she takes all of those things off? I don't really rock weaves. I tried it twice but it itches way too much for me. That Beyoncé song about 'Pat your Weave' is so true! The Itch Struggle Is Soooo Real!!!!!!
Thank You for the Compliments on My Smile! I Truly Appreciate the Kind Words. I Guess I Should Thank My Parents, Orthodontist, Braces & Retainer! Yes! I'm a Tin Grin Girl!
If you're into skinny chicks or über slim chicks & like hugging a Stop sign at night, Hey! More power to ya! If that's the case, I may not be the one for you. I'm most definitely not rockin' a 'We Are the World, We Are the Children', Victoria's Secret Model Body. Feed them ladies a few heroes and cheeseburgers and fries and milkshakes too. I have boobs, a booty and thick thighs and I LOVE the skin I'm in.
Let's Keep it Really Really Real.
I Do Not Like Surprises. Especially Unpleasant Ones. If You are excessively hairy, Please get that in check pronto. A Hairy Back will never ever EVER Be considered Sexy or Appealing. It's actually pretty damn repulsive. If You Have A Hairy Back or Chest, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Get that Ish Waxed ASAP SAP! How would you feel if a woman surprised you with some Rapunzel type ish on her lady parts? You would most likely not be very thrilled. You get the idea. PLEASE HANDLE THAT! Come On! You know I ain't lyin! It's all fun & games till you got a pubic hair in yo' mouth!
Profile names like KingBigBalls, HungHorse, ThickDickForU and JimWood are Gross, Perverted and Disgusting and only turn a woman OFF! I'm NOT Making This Stuff Up! Guys with those PoF handles have actually written to me. O_O. God Gimme Strength! One guy actually put that he "loves eating puzzy" as an interest on his profile. Seriously dude?! SMFH!
If your profile pics look hella Mug Shotty, like I've seen you on an episode of First 48 before, chances are, I won't respond to you.
If I bounce back from the computer saying "Goddddd Dammmnnnn Son!" when I see your photos,' chances are I won't respond to you.
I am not a fan of dudes with a million tattoos that look like I did them with my eyes closed with crayons.
I'm not a fan of dudes that wear more earrings than me.
Not a fan of dudes with long pinky nails. The cocaine finger nail gotts to go!
Also not a fan of dudes with hair longer than mine, unless they're Troy Polamalu, Domata Peko, Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley, 2 Chainz or Clay Matthews.
If those names don't ring any bells, then Lawd Have Mercy! We Can't Hang Out on Sundays or Mondays from September to February. LOL!
Since we're on the topic of hair, why is it that some guys' beards & edges be lookin' dyed & doctored like their barber drew that sh*t in with a black marker?! Come On Man!! Even Stevie Wonder can see that ish!
"Let's Call A Thing A Thing People!" (In my Iyanla Vanzant voice), not every dude will have a big, bushy beard & full edges. PLEASE Do NOT let your barber fool you with that Coloring by 1-2-3 Bullshit!! That nukka ain't yo fren!!
That's just like a chick rocking a cheap, synthetic hair weave, those deadly weapon long fake claws they call nails and those unrealistic, crazy tarantula fake lashes!
Don't be like THAT Chick guys!!!!
We know that sh*t is fake! SO STOP IT!!
If you can't spell or write to save your life, chances are, I won't respond to you. Books Don't Bite!
If you have a million Just Ask Me or Tell You Laters on your profile or letters that don't actually spell words b/c maybe your cat walked on your keyboard, chances are, I won't respond to you. We're adults yes? Everyone should be able to write a few words to talk about their interests, likes, dislikes and hobbies etc.
I've noticed there is a verrrrrry wide, broad and loose definition of "Athletic" Body Type on here. I see y'all with dem mandatory pics in LA Fitness holding dem dumbbells (Slow Clap...) Whatever floats your boat guys! It's your world, I'm just living in it.
What's up with all these photos of dudes sticking up their middle fingers? What are we? Twelve? STOP IT!!
What's up with dudes wearing slippers and socks? Is that a Southern thing? I'm here to tell you that Ish is Country as Fawk. STOP IT!!
What's up with dem long ass, knee length jackets? Come On Guys! Let It Go! Not even Steve Harvey rock dem joints no more.
Another thing I hate is sagging pants. I don't wanna see your brief. I don't wanna see your boxers. For the Love of God, Please Please Please Pull Your Pants Up!
Looking for a Booty Call? Wanna Tap Dat Ass? If so, Please Do Me A Favor & Keep It Moving!
Shirtless in the Bed Pics Trying to Look Super Sexy? STOP IT!! Biting Your Lip Pics Trying to Look Like Mr. Best Lover Ever? STOP IT!! Barber Chair Pics to Show Off Your Fake Waves & Sharp Edges? STOP IT!! That ish is Dumb Corny. STOP IT!! Yawn.
I Do Not Like Gold Teeth. I Never Have & I Never Will.
I'm Caribbean Born & Bred and like most Caribbean folks, I am warm and pleasant.
I'm not perfect. No one is, but it would sure be nice to find a man who makes me feel pretty darn close to perfect every single day.
I'm a great conversationalist and love a new adventure (as long as it DOES NOT involve snakes!). Hiking? Paintball? Rock Climbing? You name it, I just might try it. I love to do all kinds of stuff. As long as its fun and won't get me a suite in the Shiny Iron Bars Hotel.
I am college educated and I would like to meet someone who is educated as well.
I want to meet someone intelligent, interesting, authentic (please be real) and honest. I like tall men. I want someone who will keep me on my toes, make me giggle and make me excited when I hear his voice. Someone who will curl up with me and watch TV.
Wishing Everyone Luck in Love!
I want to meet someone intelligent, interesting, authentic (please be real) and honest. I like tall men. I want someone who will keep me on my toes, make me giggle and make me excited when I hear his voice. Someone who will curl up with me and watch TV.
Wishing Everyone Luck in Love!
YsanneBueno is a music addict, pepper sauce aficionado and sometime writer
Made in JahMekYah, Built in Nu Yawk Citi, trying to adjust to life in Jawja.
